feeling

I feel so dead inside. 

You talk of holes in walls, that was ten years ago! You will never let it go, and so to you I will always be that monster. 

I get upset about something, anything, and you get defensive or disappear, the result of both being I am alone. 

Is it any wonder I suppress any feelings I have?

And I do resent you blaming every weekend on me, saying that I use you as an emotional punching bag, saying I take out my feelings on you. I barely have any feelings anymore! You are the one who takes out your hard days on me, like clockwork if you are stressed I will get it in the neck. No matter what I do, I walk on eggshells and it makes no difference. 

 

The reason I said "please don't" is cos I knew exactly what was coming, and I really didn't want that, but surprise surprise here it is. 

All I can take away from this is don't get upset. Don't feel anything. And honestly I don't want to feel any more. Cos no matter what I feel your unrelenting guilt will turn it into your fault and therefore aimed at you.

If I feel, I am the volatile monster from ten years ago or some emotionally abusive asshole who gaslights and uses you as an emotional punching bag.

I don't want to feel anymore. Honestly I don't want to breathe anymore. I feel like I should leave cos with me gone all your problems would disappear.

I just don't want to feel anymore 

trust

So, we had an interesting chat this evening. I realised that I've never really trusted anyone before, I never could. I would never ask for help as I couldn't trust anyone to help me, they would just let me down. Now I can't let myself trust anyone. 

And now I'm thinking that maybe this is one of the issues that's troubling us. I think I stopped asking for help from you, not because I didn't trust you, but because it seemed like such a burden on you, trusting you was only hurting you and making things worse and harder for you. So I cloistered. I stopped asking, maybe I was scared that if you couldn't handle it it would feel like when I've been let down and that would actually break the trust. So I stopped so as to keep my trust in you.

Wow this sounds so convoluted. It's mulling about in my brain how to go about fixing this, finding a new tactic or whatever.

Hmmmmm

Watch this space 

chippa

The last couple of days has been lovely, things have been really bright and loving and somewhat serene. I'm a little bit anxious that there bottom is about to fall out at any minute. I'm not used to being happy. I don't know if it is the voice of experience, or if it's the voice of self hatred, cos I don't think I deserve to be happy. Maybe it's a bit of both. How do I allow myself? How do I silence the voices? I really don't know, but I know I need to figure it out cos I like life like this, and I want it to continue like this.

Also mistakes were made:

Zinger burger

Supercharger sauce

Hot wings

Spicy wrap

... Mistakes were made 

chaos

Just been chatting to ducky, can't believe this shit is happening to them. Feel really bad for them but I'm trying to be there for them as best as I can but I have no idea what else to say that would help. And you know me, I am desperate to try and help and fix things but this is one of those things where I know I can't and it's so frustrating to be so impotant. 

I think I need to channel it into something but it's so hard for me to focus right now. I can't concentrate on anything long enough to channel anything. I feel jittery but sluggish. Must be ADHD and depression fighting each while at the same time teaming up against me.

knees!

My knees are absolutely screaming! The pain is keeping me awake and I'm getting really sick of it. I think I need an actual foot pillow, the rolled up towel isn't cutting it. Tried taking cocodamol but one got stuck in my throat so I was coughing so much and I could taste it and they taste foul, and my throat was panic producing mucus making me cough and choke more. 

Also had my mind racing about money stuff. Really proud of the budget thingy I made but brain won't stop now and been working out daily chore tasks and stuff and as Alex would say, brain go brrrrr. 

Think my brain is going overdrive to distract me from the obvious. But my knees didn't need to join in.

I don't need knees right? Damn Maggie never returned my saw. Bitch. This is her fault now!

tears

I just keep crying. I can't make it stop. It just washes over me like a wave. It is one reason I can't be around anyone right now. Nothing in particular sparks it. It just happens. Feeling super fragile and vulnerable and it's all I can do to just curl up in a safe space so I don't break down. Nothing is ok. My mind feels so broken and everything seems so dark. I just wish I could stop the crying.

broken

I am broken.

A 30 year old festering, infected wound has been ripped open. I have shut down. 

I am broken. Broken.

I'm sorry it is inconvenient. I'm sorry I've ruined the weekend. I'm sorry to have such "luxury" as this.

I don't care about the argument, I don't care what was said, I don't care who was right. None of it matters.

I am broken.

anger and pain

I'm currently, as the title would suggest, angry and hurt.

First point: "no" in not a complete sentence. It requires context. Yes, in many situations the context is obvious but in others it is not. Without context you have no idea what someone is saying "no" to. Hence why people then ask questions. 

Secondly: I am unbelievably hurt that my actions were compared to those of a fucking rapist! I mean, seriously??? You think that was a comparable situation? And did you even consider how fucking triggering that would be for me? Knowing what I've been through?  

So it's nearly 5am and sleep is hard coming as I keep getting intrusive urges to cut, flashback type things, keep crying and dissociating. and I'm terrified of actually sleeping for fear or the nightmare. all the while thinking that me asking "why" makes me as bad as him. 

I am sorry having to explain something to me makes you uncomfortable, but whatever the fuck I was doing was also making you uncomfortable and stressed, hence asking for the context so I can stop doing whatever it is that's making you feel that way and avoid doing it again. I was trying to communicate, asking for clarification, all the things you've told me to do if I'm unsure or confused. 

Honestly, for once i dont think I've done anything wrong, and I don't think I deserved this, for asking for clarification and telling you something you said bothered me. 

With all the snow tentsmuir is out of the question. And I honestly just want to be alone tomorrow, I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I just want to seal myself away and protect myself.

 

Yes the anger is still there, but mainly I'm just really really hurt and upset.

jobsworth

Just spent several hours searching job sites. Found maybe one or two I could potentially go for. It's so depressing being nearly 40 and unemployable. I know Alex is stressed about money and I want to help, but seems all I am good for is £240 a month in PIP money. 

There must be something I can do? 

Even looking at cleaning jobs, though I very much doubt I could still do it physically, and 90% of the now demand a driving licence. 

Is there really nothing? Am I that useless? 

I just want to help so that Alex doesn't have the full weight of being the sole earner on her shoulders. 

I want to ease that burden.

But I can't. 

crushing weight

Ok so I'm laid in bed, tried sleeping but didn't work. All I can currently think about is the boxes. The ones in the living room, corridor, bedroom, entrance hall. Thinking how to get the living room boxes to the shed by myself, probably the trolley, then where to move the washing machine to move around the sofa. Then other boxes, could they go in the attic? Would need to get up there, what are the hatch measurements? Would the boxes fit or would I have to move stuff into smaller boxes or bags? Could get some MDF to be a floor but would need measurements to get the right size and make sure it will fit through the hatch.

I want to do more blender but I don't know where to do it. I want to set up the old suitcase I got as a place for the beast and my drawing tablet. But not sure how to finaggle that. I'd like to use the living room so I can be with everyone, but also want to use the game room so I can spend more time with Lief, I'm worried he is getting lonely. 

Also feeling stuck as I don't know why I'm doing it. Like, what's the point? It's not like I can get a job in this or make money or contribute. But I know I should be doing things for fun and the sake of it but it's hard to find motivation with no goal.  

It's hard to find motivation full stop. 

Mission statement

Ok so this blog is for me to empty my brain of all the shit when I can sleep or feel like crap or whatever. 

This serves as a disclaimer: what I write here will not be nice, it will not be pretty. It will be dark and upsetting. It will be raw and unfiltered. 

You've been warned.