I want to do more blender but I don't know where to do it. I want to set up the old suitcase I got as a place for the beast and my drawing tablet. But not sure how to finaggle that. I'd like to use the living room so I can be with everyone, but also want to use the game room so I can spend more time with Lief, I'm worried he is getting lonely.
Also feeling stuck as I don't know why I'm doing it. Like, what's the point? It's not like I can get a job in this or make money or contribute. But I know I should be doing things for fun and the sake of it but it's hard to find motivation with no goal.
It's hard to find motivation full stop.
I feel so useless too. All my brain can think about is money over and over and over again. I check the bank apps almost hourly as if I'm gonna open them up and they'll miraculously not just be more evidence of how badly I'm failing.
ReplyDeleteThe worst part is it makes me think of mum. If the world came crashing down and we were destitute on the street then we'd always have somewhere to go, a home where we'd be safe. But she's gone now and so is that safety and security and it's just me and the cold empty world of reality.
If I fuck up now I'm on my own, no backup plan, no one to help with a couple quid or sage advice. Just the emptiness of failure. And the worst part is I'd take nan down with me.
I have all this adult shit I need to handle like a home and finance and budgeting. The shift you go to your mum about the shit you don't want to face alone. But I am, it's all down to me now, the buck stops here, and I don't know if I'm strong enough or ready but I have no other choice.