And now I'm thinking that maybe this is one of the issues that's troubling us. I think I stopped asking for help from you, not because I didn't trust you, but because it seemed like such a burden on you, trusting you was only hurting you and making things worse and harder for you. So I cloistered. I stopped asking, maybe I was scared that if you couldn't handle it it would feel like when I've been let down and that would actually break the trust. So I stopped so as to keep my trust in you.
Wow this sounds so convoluted. It's mulling about in my brain how to go about fixing this, finding a new tactic or whatever.
Hmmmmm
Watch this space
Not convoluted at all my beautiful. It's so so sweet how much your trust in me means to you and it's so so wonderful how safe you have kept it. It's understandable that you know what your brain can be like with self fulfilling prophecies and that the slightest evidence that COULD mean you were about to be alone again unable to rely on anyone at all would spiral into possibly damaging our trust.
ReplyDeleteAs always you were so brave, cloistering yourself away to protect your trust in me and for that I am so so greatful for that time to realise that I wasn't ok and that not taking care of myself did and always does impact far more than just myself. I think I forget how truly and honestly you see me and fall back into terrible solo coping mechanisms, forgetting you're in the blast zone and believing it won't even register with you let alone impact you was niave.
We both have a lot of healing to do, and that several day argument a little while ago (though painful and exhausting) feels like a labour pain that brought forth this new understanding, this new openness and honesty that had been gone purely out of a survival need this past year.
I don't know what needs changing if at all right now because things feel really good and even the hard days feel better than they did. Just know until we tweak the next plan of attack or take the next path towards more growth that you make me so proud to be your wife every day and I will better spend my spoons to make sure you feel that love and appreciation every day too.