First point: "no" in not a complete sentence. It requires context. Yes, in many situations the context is obvious but in others it is not. Without context you have no idea what someone is saying "no" to. Hence why people then ask questions.
Secondly: I am unbelievably hurt that my actions were compared to those of a fucking rapist! I mean, seriously??? You think that was a comparable situation? And did you even consider how fucking triggering that would be for me? Knowing what I've been through?
So it's nearly 5am and sleep is hard coming as I keep getting intrusive urges to cut, flashback type things, keep crying and dissociating. and I'm terrified of actually sleeping for fear or the nightmare. all the while thinking that me asking "why" makes me as bad as him.
I am sorry having to explain something to me makes you uncomfortable, but whatever the fuck I was doing was also making you uncomfortable and stressed, hence asking for the context so I can stop doing whatever it is that's making you feel that way and avoid doing it again. I was trying to communicate, asking for clarification, all the things you've told me to do if I'm unsure or confused.
Honestly, for once i dont think I've done anything wrong, and I don't think I deserved this, for asking for clarification and telling you something you said bothered me.
With all the snow tentsmuir is out of the question. And I honestly just want to be alone tomorrow, I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I just want to seal myself away and protect myself.
Yes the anger is still there, but mainly I'm just really really hurt and upset.
I guess I should have said no is a complete sentence for you, I have to justify myself. We sit in the car and you're on the verge of a breakdown because of an argument we're having and you say, verbatim 'Alex I need you to stop, I cant' and I stop, stop talking stop moving stop pushing because I respect you and can tell you're not ok. I don't sit there and go 'why do you need me to stop? Stop what? What are you talking about?' because I know one more word and you're gonna be gone and that will cause so much damage.
ReplyDeleteAnd no I didn't say you or your actions were rapist behaviour, I used the consent example because you would NEVER treat me like that in the bedroom so I don't get why you don't get it? To expand the example I was using of sex, if I said stop you wouldn't wait with your fingers in me for a good enough reason to take them out, you'd fucking stop and your priority would be to see if I'm alright.
ReplyDeleteI feel like sometimes I've made my autism too 'quirky' for you, that it's just silly little things I do that are funny and different to everyone else. That the debilitating effects don't matter or even exist for that reason and it's no where near a serious disability, not like arthritis. Yesterday felt like tearing little pieces of her apart to bin or store or abandon in some dark place somewhere. It was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting and regulating nan on top of everything. I thought we did great and had a good day and was so excited for today and talking about all the wonderful things we'll do next. But we said and PROMISED 'we stop for the day'
ReplyDeleteBut you wouldn't/couldn't just leave it alone. Either because you felt you didn't do enough or that blue bag in particular was just really getting to you but for whatever reason you just. Wouldn't. Stop. And I know exactly what is in that drawer, the picture of her looking likee that has been so special to me my whole life and has alread been tainted and damaged by rats or lief or godknows what so I've put it there to be safe. So I'm laying there, fragile, dissociating, not speaking and suddenly you whip open the drawer and start pulling things out of it, irreplaceable things and talking about how you're gonna stuff the blue bag in. So I say please stop, just stop. Because I'm shutting down, because the whole non-verbal thing is starting to rear it's head, because I'm scared and confused and upset. And you stop but I can't see that, I can't hear that, all I know is I'm sinking further into darkness and overwhlmed and the only sound that is coming out of your mouth is "Why?". Why doesn't bring me back, why keeps me there in a chokehold scrambling for words to save my important thing with a clock running down and a mouth that won't open.
Not even slightly do I think you're comparable to a rapist. What I'm saying is that I personally feel violated and upset and triggered and all those other bloody words when shit like this happens. I was desperately trying to get you to empathize with me like you do so easily for everyone else including your bigoted mother. But I guess I'm just harder to empathize with than her views. I have taken chunks out of people with my teath for touching my important things and then demanding an answer for why they should give it back. I'm not saying you demanded an answer but when you ask why in that moment I'm back there and I feel violated, like I'm held down someone demanding answers from the retard kid for why they want their things back and laughing as she gets upset that she can't speak and we're gonna break them, the things and her.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I triggered you and I'm sorry I ruined your mental health and night. I was just so fucking terrified and I needed you. That's why I said your self hatred seemed to matter more because your focus was on what you did wrong and the future when I needed it to be here with me.
ReplyDeleteI'm going out anyway because I don't have the ability to just in bed and cry because Chevy needs someone and nan will ask questions and then it's just more talking and more fixing everything and regulating her feelings for her and trying to get the dog to eat and just fucking everything then back to work for more everything and I'm just so fucking tired I honestly could disappear right now and I think it'd be the best thing for me.